WEEK 2 - PRINCESS LOVES BRIAN

Hey ho blog buddies a week is like a lifetime in the world of bikes and mucho happened this past 7 days. Firstly IANYETTOBENAMED got a name and is now to be known as OOMPALOOMPAH because he is less of a lump than he used to be! (In joke sorry!). However he may have an exciting new name but he is still as boring as a busload of sleeping librarians. OOMPALOOMPAH has been hanging around with EVIL LEADER and together they are now known as the CHARISMA TWINS-NOT! Apart from another rubbish attempt to get the web password, it has been yet another non-evil week for EVIL LEADER who makes MARY POPPINS look right a very naughty schoolgirl. Take a note EVIL LEADER, the word EVIL should be a bit of a give away!

However this week's big news is that PRINCESS was almost single - or so I thought. PRINCESS told me she wanted to me to give the once over to BRIAN whom she intended to spend a lot of time with. Poor SIMONG, perhaps the big weekend in LUNDIN had gone wrong and I was to meet the next man in her life. Now, dear readers, perhaps you can help me out here because I am truly baffled. What is it about burds that they have to have to give names to inanimate objects? BRIAN, it transpired,is not some hunky lurve God but PRINCESSES new bike, and a very handsome bike he is too. But as handsome as he is, he is not a BRIAN, he is maybe a CEDRIC or a CECIL or more probably a CRISPIN or a QUENTIN. Anyway there may be more mileage in this tale cos PRINCESS is taking BRIAN to meet SIMONG- I hope it all doesn't end in tears.

TTFN.

WEEK 1 UPDATE

Big News Dudes, MRS CAL left me this week - unfortunately she came back! However my quest for the next MRS CAL continues and this week I am now in love with my new best friend who works for the lovely, lovely, kind people at ACUMEN. Her name is CRUELLA DUVALL and she sits next to me at night class and tells me to STFU and never ever speak to her - ever, or she'll call the police. EVIL LEADER tells me not everyone gets a restraining order and that makes me special and I believe him cos he works in a castle. Anyway I think CRUELLA fancies me because she has arranged with the lovely people at ACUMEN to give TEAM BONES some cycling kit just to see me in lycra. That makes me love her even more, so much so, that the next time I take her a choccy bic in class I won't lick it all over first.

I know I am good at chatting up burds up cos PRINCESS saw me in action and said it was like watching her Dad flirt. Anyway PRINCESS says she is her Daddy's special little girl and I thought if I am special and she is special we could be special together but she told me she has a bf who is called SIMONG. I think SIMONG must be fat cos every time PRINCESS mentions his name she says PIELOT. Although no-one has ever ever has seen SIMONG, PRINCESS has gone to LUNDIN with him this weekend to see naked ladies dancing and that makes me feel sick in the mouth.

Anyway, IANYETTOBENAMED has not been well this week: he had an operation to surgically open his wallet and is expected to be fit to ride in 2 weeks. EVIL LEADER managed a couple of rides but cut one short claiming the wind ruined his hair. PRINCESS has done well but after 3 days of cycling tried to tempt me to lunch instead of training. As a result she got beasted but later took revenge by mocking my manly figure in bibshorts. Meanwhile I occupy the righteous high ground cos I've covered 102 miles in 4 days.

However before I dive headfirst into pie, on behalf of TEAM BONES I prostrate myself before the lovely people at ACUMEN in general and CRUELLA DUVALL in particular. Thank you so much for your sponsorship.

EVIL EXPED LEADER PLOTS TAKEOVER BID

Shock, horror, and gasp as the EXPED LEADER revealed his true colours today. The EXPED LEADER (now known as the EVIL LEADER) demanded unlimited access to this webpage in order to plaster pics of his ugly mug across my lifetime's work. This evil plot started 3 days ago after he claimed to have MANFLU which turned into MANTHRAX thus leaving him unable to train - embarrassingly weak and entirely inappropriate for a LEADER, never mind an EVIL LEADER! However, this left him at home with nothing to do but lock himself into his mirrored emporium and gaze at his cheeky Northern chops. Of course 3 days of MANTHRAX combined with 72 hours staring in mirrors are more than enough to make a man delusional and hey presto, it duly did dear dudes. Unusually for an EVIL LEADER there were no threats of kidnapping my pussy or chopping MRS CAL into tiny bits - entirely inappropriate for an EVIL LEADER - but an e-mail containing the words "please" and "thank you". No EVIL LEADER I will not succumb to your evil demands, unless you have a "freaking layyyyysor"?

OTHER TEAM MEMBERS DEMAND PHOTO SHOOT

Jealously struck earlier on this evening as news reached KAT and IAN of EXPED LEADER's photo shoot. The flames fuelling the green eyed monster raged as KAT stamped her feet and, not only insisted on her own photo, but demanded a special name and told me to "make it so". From now on she shall be known as PRINCESS because she is precious and Daddy's special little girl.

Not to be outdone IAN politely requested he be afforded the same privilege and, if it was not too much trouble, he would awfully very much, thank you please, and only if it was not too much trouble, perhaps, thank you please, have a picture too, thank you. Being such a nice fellow IAN did not demand, request, suggest or even hint that he wanted a new name - which was nice. So I have decided he can pick his own name - should be easy for a man so clever he should have 2 heads.

Anyway here's the first (and only) pic of PRINCESS and IANYETTOBENAMED. Right I'm off to kip until my name changes to CAL VAN WINKLE. Toodley Pip.

CHUNKSTER AKA EXPED LEADER POSES FOR PUBLICITY PHOTO

Breaking news (as opposed to breaking wind) here at Blogger HQ. The EXPED LEADER has kindly agreed to pose for initial publicity shots as we launch the website.

Unusually the small-but-perfectly-formed-one had trimmed his sideburns and combed his curly locks for the special occasion.

However the day was sullied by persistent rumours that he had smuggled a Solictor onto to the team. Apparently EXPED LEADER believes this move will assist him as he stands accussed of NEVER, EVER, EVER replacing inner tubes he scrounges from his mates - allegedly!

TEAM BONES BIG BIKE ADVENTURE - THE START

So what's occurring dudes? I'll tell you what's occurring and how it came to occur. Two years ago me and CHUNKSTER (as he was fondly known before insisting on being called EXPED LEADER) decided it would be tres amusing to cycle from John O Groats to Land's End, so we did and raised buckets of cash for a fab cause. Last year, before he insisted on USMORTALS worshiping his every word, he was busy salad dodging for Ingerlund and wimped out of my mammoth 500 miles plus French cycling adventure. So this year, as part of his plan to feel righteous and earn an OBE (Other Buggers Efforts) he suggested we ride from his work (Edinburgh Castle) to his Bosses work (London) so he could tell his Boss exactly how great he is. So that's what is occurring. Three of us will ride in front of the EXPED LEADER for 700 kms scattering rose petals and admiring his pert thighs until we arrive in London where the EXPED LEADER will kiss some serious butt. In between we will have a laugh and hope to raise some cash. In the meantime you can read about our progress, or lack of it, here. Toodle pip.

THE SECRET LIFE OF CAL

Well dudes welcome to the Team Bones Big Bike Adventure. This is where my fellow brothers in iron discover my secret life and my addiction to lycra is made public - well more public than it is already. However before I start to wash my dirty spandex in public, let me thank you for taking the time to visit the page. Hopefully you leave it feeling inspired to donate a little bit of your hard earned mullah to one, or both (lol!) well deserving charities. I'm a blogging virgin so be gentle.
Cal