HAIR TODAY, GONE TOMORROW

In a previous life when my waist size was smaller than my age and I had more hair on my head than I did on my back I was a handsome man, no seriously I was....honest guv. However these days my vanity has vanished alongside my hair, I don't spend as much time in front of a mirror as I used to. Nonetheless I guess being an EVIL LEADER means that when one is not planning total world domination, then a love in with MR MIRROR is the order of the day: after all a well presented Dictator is a happy Dictator and EVIL LEADER must be ecstatic cos he has taken personal grooming to new heights. While this means he looks smoother than SLINKY McVELVET (Winner of the Outer Hebrides Very Smooth Contest - 1987) it invariably results in him being late for planned rides and less saddle time for us mere mortals. His tardiness has undoubtedly had side effects on my team colleagues. PRINCESS has adopted OOMPAH'S Eastern European Pikey look despite being told that tucking her tracksuit bottoms in her socks makes her look like a Docker on a bike. OOMPAH told me he had been "weeping". I initially thought that was cos he had seen PRINCESS'S fat face (hay fever allegedly) but was informed it was the smell of grooming product in EVIL LEADER'S hair. Now I know OOMPAH is a Solicitor and they never fib but in this case I believe him cos he lives with a burd who earns a living by interfering with farmyard animals. As for me, I'm just riding my bike like its stolen. Til Next time.

WEEK 3 - INSPECTOR GORSE

It's a well known adage that when the KATs away the rodents come out to play and, dear readers, in the blogosphere, it's no different. No sooner did PRINCESS vanish into the sunset with BRIAN, the CHARISMA TWINS-NOT! revealed their true colours by sneaking off to a local forest for a "training ride". Now, because they had conveniently forgotten to invite me, I suspect it was more more of a "date" than a "training ride". However each to their own, and three's a crowd etc, but in this case, a third party would have been an independent witness to the nonsense which took place that fateful afternoon. I'll spare you the gory details but, all you need to know is that, both are covered in scratches and both tell different versions of the event.

Recently EVIL LEADER has been as evil as MOTHER THERESA handing out sweets in an orphanage. So, to restore his evil reputation, he claims he lured OOMPALOOMPAH into the forest and thrashed him. Apparently he completed the evil deed and tossed OOMPAS battered body into a gorse bush before riding off into the sunset. However OOMPA tells a different tale claiming the EVIL one rides his bike like a girl who has just had the stabilisers removed. Apparently during the ride the EVIL one crashed sending both into a gorse bush, hence the scrathes. Now OOMPA may be as boring as a Stamp Collectors Convention, but I believe him because he used to be a policeman before he was a solicitor and policemen never, ever, ever lie or fabricate evidence and solicitors always definitely tell the truth all the time forever and ever Amen. In recognition of this OOMPA is awarded the honourary title of INSPECTOR GORSE.

Anyway I discovered all this because the CHARISMA TWINS-NOT! pitched up at my house for a training ride covered in scratches. EVIL LEADER looked resplendent in Lycra while OMPALOOMPAH/INSPECTOR GORSE sported clothing which would be rejected by a Romanian Charity Shop. To top it off he was wearing a cycle helmet marked "POLICE". Then I realised how clever he is cos villains escaping from crime scenes would take one look at the outfit and pee themselves laughing to a standstill - result. Keeping a wary eye out for the fashion police we had a great and fast ride. All we need now is PRINCESS back from her menage a trois with BRIAN and SIMONG and we can all ride happily into the sunset. Til next week toodle pip.