ITS A NICE DAY FOR A LOCAL WEDDING

Greetings from a windswept and terminally wet Scotland, where, due to inclement weather and a host of other rubbish excuses, the past weeks have been noteworthy due to a lack of cycling In truth TEAM BONES has been otherwise engaged and I’m sure we’ll be back on track soon, but here’s what we’ve been keeping ourselves busy with:

BABYREINSBOY went to a wedding (obviously not his own) in ORKNEEEEEE. Word reached me from those far-flung shores that, being a Leuchars Lad, he blended in well with the web-footed residents; unlike the simperingly gorgeous MRS WANNABE BABYREINSBOY whose shock of ginger hair garnered much attention. So much so that she attracted several offers of marriage and found her island value to be holding steady at 12 sheep and a smallholding with outhouse. However once the local fellahs discovered her Mother was not her Sister all interest waned.

Meanwhile EVIL LEADER has been treating Ninewells Hospital like a local B&B. Last seen wandering round the village smacked off his tits on drugs, the BOY EVIL visited his Dr only to be sectioned and sent for more tests. Now whilst Paracetamol is hardly Crack Cocaine, those of us who hold him dear can honestly say there’s not much difference between drugged and non-drugged BOY EVIL – once a gunner eh? Now far be it from me to suggest a cure for condition but it seems BOY EVIL has become a bit of a wuss. Personally I think he needs to “man up” thus I propose we strip him, tie him to his whirly washing line, and then hose him down whist getting him to shout “I am Sparta”. Anyway talking about hosing down, it was surely no fluke that BOY EVIL’s annual shower and change of clothes strangely coincided with PRINCESS’ return from leave.

PRINCESS, about to depart for pastures new, has embarked on a Bacchanalian frenzy of hedonism. The removal of her plaster cast saw her riding her bike hours later – straight to the pub. While I would never suggest 6 weeks of excessive alcohol consumption and pie-eating has seen her gain weight, it would, however, be rude of me to suggest her bum now has its own postcode. Besides, she is now ensconced in Englandshire which means I am safe from retribution - for a while at least.

As for me I’m turning into a bit of a jet setter. Last week I went to CARDUFF and BRIZZELL and became quickly accustomed to the wail of sirens and the smell of sewage – and that was only the hotel! However my big news is that I have discovered my very own man breasts and am pleased to announce we intend to be very happy together. Til next time.