TEAM BONES BIG BIKE ADVENTURE

THE LAND THAT TIME FORGOT

2009-10-04T21:22:00.001+01:00

Felicitations and fond greetings Blogbuddies from Englandshire in general and Lincolnshire in particular. At first glance Lincolnshire appears as flat and inviting as a pint of "Old Witches Tit" real ale, however a second sneaky peek reveals a county which makes Royston Vasey look like a cosmopolitan metropolis. Unfortunately further observations are rendered impossible by the sound of twanging banjos and the slap of webbed feet on cobbled highways. This truly is the land that time forgot.

Anyway I digress, I was in Ingerlund to work but took the opportunity to call in on PRINCESS and check up on her fitness levels. Since her departure, the office has become a far safer and indeed a far quieter place. Safer because there in no longer a risk of tripping over the tongues of drooling sycophants formerly crawling around her desk: quieter because no-one is nagging my ass off on a daily basis. Prior to my arrival PRINCESS has mentioned something about a blowout and a spare tyre and, dear readers, I can confirm that when we met, PRINCESS was most definitely carrying a spare tyre - freak! Anyway I was treated to a couple of hours riding round land flat enough to see a lynch mob coming for miles but I am happy to report, we did so at a speed which ensured we could later scoff curry and chocolate without guilt.

Now you will be aware BUNTERBOY is recovering from major surgery and, for ongoing health reasons, has regrettably and reluctantly decided to withdraw from the ride. That aside, the Boy clambered back on the bike and poured himself into his spanking new kit. Now it would be rude of me to suggest that 10 weeks of little exercise had taken its toll but it had and, resembling a jelly wrapped in clingfilm, he still managed a creditable performance - freak! It wont be long til he is whipping my ass, again.

BABYREINSBOY and I have managed a couple of rides; the most memorable being when we decided it was big and it was clever to cycle in gale force winds. Creditably we found we were fitter than we realised but scarily the Met Check revealed the wind had been gusting at speeds of up to 75 mph. I celebrated by eating pie, he celebrated by going for another ride then swimming in the North Sea - freak.

Righty ho, less than 4 weeks to the ride and another one of our team has apparently withdrawn. I saw apparently because he has not had the courtesy to reply to any mail, text or phone calls deciding instead to tell BUNTERBOY in passing that he couldn't do it. That leaves us short of a driver/chef and the full range of culinary delights he had promised to bring with him. However PER ARDUA etc, the search is on for a replacement and I'll let you know how we get on. TTFN.

ITS A NICE DAY FOR A LOCAL WEDDING

2009-09-20T23:18:00.003+01:00

Greetings from a windswept and terminally wet Scotland, where, due to inclement weather and a host of other rubbish excuses, the past weeks have been noteworthy due to a lack of cycling In truth TEAM BONES has been otherwise engaged and I’m sure we’ll be back on track soon, but here’s what we’ve been keeping ourselves busy with:

BABYREINSBOY went to a wedding (obviously not his own) in ORKNEEEEEE. Word reached me from those far-flung shores that, being a Leuchars Lad, he blended in well with the web-footed residents; unlike the simperingly gorgeous MRS WANNABE BABYREINSBOY whose shock of ginger hair garnered much attention. So much so that she attracted several offers of marriage and found her island value to be holding steady at 12 sheep and a smallholding with outhouse. However once the local fellahs discovered her Mother was not her Sister all interest waned.

Meanwhile EVIL LEADER has been treating Ninewells Hospital like a local B&B. Last seen wandering round the village smacked off his tits on drugs, the BOY EVIL visited his Dr only to be sectioned and sent for more tests. Now whilst Paracetamol is hardly Crack Cocaine, those of us who hold him dear can honestly say there’s not much difference between drugged and non-drugged BOY EVIL – once a gunner eh? Now far be it from me to suggest a cure for condition but it seems BOY EVIL has become a bit of a wuss. Personally I think he needs to “man up” thus I propose we strip him, tie him to his whirly washing line, and then hose him down whist getting him to shout “I am Sparta”. Anyway talking about hosing down, it was surely no fluke that BOY EVIL’s annual shower and change of clothes strangely coincided with PRINCESS’ return from leave.

PRINCESS, about to depart for pastures new, has embarked on a Bacchanalian frenzy of hedonism. The removal of her plaster cast saw her riding her bike hours later – straight to the pub. While I would never suggest 6 weeks of excessive alcohol consumption and pie-eating has seen her gain weight, it would, however, be rude of me to suggest her bum now has its own postcode. Besides, she is now ensconced in Englandshire which means I am safe from retribution - for a while at least.

As for me I’m turning into a bit of a jet setter. Last week I went to CARDUFF and BRIZZELL and became quickly accustomed to the wail of sirens and the smell of sewage – and that was only the hotel! However my big news is that I have discovered my very own man breasts and am pleased to announce we intend to be very happy together. Til next time.

THE TRUTH AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH!

2009-08-17T20:49:00.003+01:00

Dearest Blog Chums,

I write to you with increasing fear that this blog may be my last. Having been the victim of physical and mental abuse for errrr my last blog not being abusive enough, I shall endeavour to rectify the situation by venting vitriol and vileness in the vain hope I leave no-one less abused than a. n. other.

The concept of TEAM BONES was created by BUNTERBOY, formerly known as EVIL LEADER, formerly known as BONSEY. When I say "created" I actually meant stolen... from me....because BUNTER-EVIL-LEADER-BOY never had an original thought in his life. The team actually was to be named "TEAM WE LOVE BONESY COS HE IS FAB INNIT" until I suggested "TEAM BONES" was slightly more acceptable to us less egotistical mortals. Idea plagiarized, and ego stoked, EVIL LEADER emerged: a kind of camp DR EVIL if you like. Now it is a little known fact that EVIL LEADER is an anagram of VILE DEALER, the sort of scum one would expect to see on JERRY SPRINGER. While it's not my place to suggest that EVIL LEADER would be an ideal guest on JERREEEEE, JEREEEEE….but having been seen in the same clothes (yeah take that FATFACE boy) for several weeks now, the general public can no longer tolerate the excuse of swollen wound/on going infection as a cover for his slovenly personal hygiene. He is trailer park trash, an original toothless wonder whom, if he had another brain cell, would need watering. Nuff said. Oh get well soon, kissy kiss.

And to PRINCESS (anagram of WINO BIRD), a classy chick who at least takes her flagon of Rose wine out of the brown paper bag before slurping it down. Claiming to be on leave, I believe she has fled the country having broken the record for most wine bottles delivered to the Recycling Bin in one go. She is currently off to Champagne to hang out with a better class of wino, and gulp electric soup by the Magnum. Still single and increasingly desperate, she has taken to abusing herself with a needle. Now far be it from me to let the truth get in the way of a good story, it would, nonetheless, be remiss of me not to mention the needle is for knitting and generally used to scratch down her plastered leg, but needle abuse it is nonetheless. You heard here first!

Lastly and certainly least, BABY-REINS-BOY (Anagram BE YOB BRAINS). Still in denial that he shares a home with a GWAR, he now claims to be involved in Property Management and Development. Not that I want to rain on his parade, but if you want your drive tarmacked then BABY is your BOY but don't pee him off because remember "No one puts BABY in a corner!". Empire building, and nude bathing aside, BABY-REINS-BOY is still resisting the lure of Lycra and sporting a pair of shorts which make him look like a deranged Boy Scout Leader: talking of which, there is undoubtedly no truth in the rumour that he plans to open a sweet shop outside Leuchars Primary.

So there you have it. Oh and the truth...hmmm, Bonesy is itching to get training, Kat is itching but training, Ian is training, and my itch is another story for another day.

Tatty Bye the noo.

RED OR DEAD?

2009-08-03T14:47:00.004+01:00

Hey ho Blog-chums, felicitations and salutations from PLANET CAL; I trust you are all deliriously happy and continuing to enjoy the glorious Summer? Surprisingly, given that the majority of TEAM BONES are incapacitated, it has been a busy week all round. BABY-REINS-BOY and I continue to get the miles in while PRINCESS and BUNTERBOY continue to get the pies in.

BABY-REINS-BOY has revealed his secret energy source and, in doing so, gone public with his potato addiction. However, he isn’t quite ready for an appearance on JEREMY KYLE and has joined SPUDAHOLICS ANON: apparently this will reduce his cravings and means he’ll only have to empty his sack twice daily - I shudder to think! Anyway with the spectacularly lovely MRS WANNABE BABY-REINS-BOY suffering RSI from continuous use of a potato peeler, word reaches me she has secured the services of a live-in GWA-GODDESS. With 2 Gingers under the same roof, the smell of wee and digestive biscuits will be overwhelming, which is why (along with his beloved dogs) BABY-REINS-BOY regularly performs a public service by taking the GWAs for a dip in the briny. Cleanliness fetish aside, as long as he has someone to peel, chop, boil, fry, mash, and roast his drug of choice he’ll be in root veggie heaven.

And so to BUNTERBOY, now at home and displaying a range of bed-wear which could easily grace the windows of Age Concern (or any reputable charity shop). Bless him, as he spends his time sat in a deck chair, like a senile dictator, waiting for his tea and toast to be delivered – which is fine if you are in hospital but not so clever if you are in the Post Office. With nothing to do but watch cookery programmes and send endless texts, BUNTERBOY’s thoughts have turned to horticulture and he is seeking someone to trim his back garden. On that note I’m told PRINCESS’S garden, albeit unattended, is fine as it is. Shearing aside, we wish them both speedy recovery.

So that’s it for another week. Now that our adventure is postponed until 25 Oct 09, you’ll have to suffer my inane ramblings a wee while longer. Catch ya’all soon now.

OOOH MATRON

2009-07-26T21:42:00.007+01:00

Life has a strange way of sorting the wheat from the chaff, the strong from the weak and the cyclists from the trick cyclists. And so it came to pass that, during a small stopover in the Kingdom of Fife, Mother Nature decided to have a quick interfere in the lives of 2 of our team.

Last week, PRINCESS dressed up and went to the Ball expecting, as in all good fairy tales, a happy ending. However as the night wore on she caught a bout of WINE FLU during which she managed to fracture her foot in 3 places. Whilst I have no idea the who, what, why, or when, I do know that some mysterious person left a flowery deposit on her desk shortly after. Bored at home, she has decided to return to work to make my life a misery and have me remind her just how lardy she will become without training. Bless, and then there were three.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing and so we should have guessed STROPPY-EVIL-LEADER-BOY was going to be unwell when he started having delusions. These began when he arranged for us to have new kit. BABY-REINS-BOY and I (having discovered our XXXXXXL tops made us look like jelly wrapped in clingfilm) stared aghast in disbelief as the LEADER claimed he has squeezed his small but perfectly formed frame into a L! - Yeah right. Such was the torrent of abuse heaped upon him, he resorted major surgery to avoid riding with us. As at today, medical staff asdise that both him and the wallet he had surgically removed are recovering well. Bless, and then there were two.

So as EVIL LEADER lies in his hospital bed claiming his engorged stomach is due to water and or wind retention (not the nosebags of chocolate the lovely MRS E-L delivers daily) he can surely no longer be known as EVIL LEADER and henceforth is named BUNTERBOY. PRINCESS has a foot in plaster and can still be called PRINCESS because FATASS would be offensive.

The end result is that BUNTERBOY and PRINCESS-NOT-FATASS are uanable to train for months so we will have to postpone the ride for a wee while. On a positive note it gives us more time to train, even more time to raise money and a little more time for me to take the mick. Get well soon guys. Cheery the noo.

OOH BABY BABY

2009-07-14T20:53:00.006+01:00

My Mother was a wise woman, not the kind of woman to speak much but the kind to impart pearls of wisdom. When I was little, she said "Calum, you'll always be daft but you'll never be stupid" - and I believed her because she was my Mum; until today! Because after heaving my lardy up and down hill and dale for 4 hours yesterday,(and swearing - very loudly- I wouldn't do it again) I did it again today and agreed to do it again tomorrow. That, in any one's book, crosses the line from "daft" to "stupid"-especially when most of the cycling is done in a torrential downpour.

Riding in the rain can be dangerous, but even more dangerous is not paying attention to EVIL LEADER as he barks orders to miscreant cyclists in general but OOMPAH in particular. OOMPAH rides his bike like he's just had the stabilizers removed; zooming ahead giggling like a kiddie in a sweet shop. He does this so much now that from henceforth he is to be known as BABY-REINS-BOY because,in an effort to restrain him, we will attach baby walker reins to his seat. He seems to like the idea but I think its one step away from being an adult baby, and swapping Lycra for a babygro!

PRINCESS is now PRINCELESS cos SIMONG has decided he prefers his own company to hers. His loss.....if he ever existed! Anyway she has been getting ready to re-enter the dating game by fending off perverts, eating chocolate and watching endless episodes of Sex in the City. Personally I suggest she dyes her hair ginger then everybody would want to step out with her.

EVIL LEADER has splashed out on a new bike. Its shiny and comes with an extra big bike bag with compartments for hair product, straightners and lip gloss - after all being an EVIL LEADER takes effort! So SARACEN (his bike from when he was known as plain on "Bonsey") has been donated to BABY-REINS-BOY who is as likely to buy his own as I am to ask the rest of TEAM BONES to plan a ride around the Alps. Until next time, toodle pip.

Tea and cakes anyone

2009-07-08T20:01:00.002+01:00

Well, here are another day another dollar, I bet you are all wondering how all the training is going as time is getting ever closer. Well the main bit of news is Princess (Kat) has finally succumb to Lycra. Yes I hear you say it is about time, one step nearer to Tour De France. Calum is back off his hols and is back into a strict diet and fitness routine, happy days, Iain STILL hasn't bought his own bike and had to give bikey (calums main bike) back, so evil leader must be losing it as I have now Lent him my Saracen. I can hear you thinking, hold on a minute, if evil leader has given Iain his bike, what is evil leader riding. Well my friends, I will tell you, I have purchased a new Giant Defy 4 from Spokes in St Andrews. No it doesn't have stabilizers but yes it does have a bell ting ting (that is meant to be the sound of the bell), so evil leader is very happy.
On the training front, have been out a couple of times this week, Princess went out with Calum and is telling everyone that she whooped his arse, Calum said he let her as he felt sorry for her ha ha ha. Evil took Princess for a ride to St Andrews where he plied her with hot chocolate. Calum is very jealous ha ha ha . Iain has had yet another puncture on somebody elses bike. That is twice in 2 months. He may finally get the message that he needs his own bike (hint hint).
Anyway sponsors are flooding in, a massive thanks to Myrtle Coffee who are purchasing our second cycling strip, their logo will appear shortly, Ceres Butcher in Leuchars gave the charity £60.00 so many thanks to him and you kind people keep on donating online. Well blogsters, thats it until next time, as my father used to say me "you can fool some of the people some of the time but only some of the people most of the time, and then he said that maybe you can fool most of the people some of the time but some of the people most of the time, and I said " dad shut up"..........later folks. Evil leader

What a busy week

2009-06-28T21:50:00.003+01:00

Well, just a quick hello to everyone and apologies again for the slight delay in blogs, I had a hair out of place!!!!!!, So what has happenede since the last time, well Calum felt left out and HAD to write and critisise my first every blog. He only did that as he is in sunny Cyprus and wont do it face to face.....only joking my old mucker. Princess has had the flu so has been non-existant on a bike the last week, Ian still hasnt bought a bike but will do...........................one day, me, well I am buying a new Bianci for my birfday. A nice present for a 21 year old.......I said 21 lol. Anyway just with anything sometimes work takes over from time to time and finding just that spare 2 hours is very difficult, so I have cleared my diary and am preparing to Rock and Roll next week and get some more miles in the legs. Not long until the ride and yes I am getting excited at the thought. I will write a bit more of intersting blog the next time but I must say a big thank you to everyone that has sponsored us so far. A big thanks to Glasgow Window Cleaning for their kind donation of £300, great stuff. Onwards and upwards, more sponsorship to find. Speak soon bloggers, cheerio tha nooo

RIPPING GOOD TIME

2009-06-20T19:50:00.002+01:00

Evening to the Blogoshpere from the sun drenched shores of Cyprus. Congratulations to EVIL LEADER for his blog entry - how he managed to bribe a 5 year old to write it for him is beyond belief (after all given the amount of spelling errors and the deployment of awful syntax it surely could not have been written by anyone outside Leuchars Primary).

Anyway, moving on, tragedy has befallen me with a (sober) fall on Day 1 of my training camp resulting in ripped ligaments and a visit to the Doctor. However the application of Bruffen and Spicy Rum mean I should make the double spin session booked for Monday.

I am thrilled to hear my team-mates are training hard; as for me I think its all about looking good on the bike so I'm off to work on my tan. Toodly Pip.

Evil leader steals password and username

2009-06-18T21:50:00.002+01:00

Well my trusted bloggers, a very fine good day to you all from the evil leader. You are probably wondering where the Ferguson has gone. Well, he has gone to do some climate training in Cyprus, or so he says, he was last seen heading south with a knotted hankie on his head and his trousers rolled up to his knees with a blackpool kiss me quick hat on......you can only wonder what fantatstic place he has taken the beautiful Mrs F.

So whats been happening dudes since Calums last entry, i mean blog. Cal has had the man flu, princess has been travelling south to see Simong every week, Ian the Umpahlumpa has been trimming his hedges or so he says, and me I have been training like a trojan, trying to lead by example but the other lazy scoundrels just wont have any of it.

We went out this week to take advantage of some hills whilst calum is away, Princess decided don some shorts and show us her pins for the first time. She also decided to pedal up the hill in the wrong gear and stop half way saying " I cant do it" and proceeded to laugh. Umpalumpha felt that she required some assistance and turned round on the hill to aid the the fledgling princess only to fall off UP hill. This was like a scene from Wacky races with me being the father figure tutting and shaking my head saying "why oh why".

Well, just over 2 months until the great cycle south of the border. Magic Mick our hands on physio Specialist is warming his hands up, Derek Rollo who is our chef and other support person is now the proud owner of a bouncing 9Ib 6oz bay boy called Jack, Congrats to Derek and Lorna on their new addition. No wonder he has volunteered to come as support on this trip, it does mean he will get a good nights kip.

Lex are proudly supplying th team with a vehicle for the full duration to aid our course. Many thanks go to Diane Savage for the speedy replies and support she has shown us on behalf of Lex.

Well bloggers, see I am not that evil once you get to know me. Whilst Calum is away, Craig will play. Tune in next week for an update on the weekends activerties.

TUNNOCK TASTIC

2009-06-05T15:05:00.003+01:00

Greetings blogmates, I hope this finds you spankingly well and rosy cheeked with joy. Sorry I’m a bit late posting but I’ve just spent a week in Englandshire home of cricket, clotted cream and Morris dancing. So now I’m back but tainted with a strange desire to eat jellied eel and mash and shout “Cor Blimey Guvnor”. No doubt a mountain of Tunnocks Caramel Wafers washed down with a bath tub of Buckfast will soon help me recover.

Apparently there was lots of activity in my absence; most notably a foot stamping pique by EVIL LEADER. I’m told that PRINCESS and OOMPALOOMPAH invited DWARFBURD to join them on a gentle training ride around the lanes of leafy St Andrews. All was spankingly well for the first 100m after which DWARFBURD’s Anglo Saxon utterings grew louder and louder as she fell further and further behind. So far behind that she rode into a separate time zone and EVIL LEADER launched his toys and stropped off home to put more product on his hair. The others then retired to a local hostelry to plot on overthrowing EVIL LEADER who is now to be known as the STROPPYONE.

Anyway I managed to get out on my bike with OOMPAH and STROPPY and, after a wee peddle along the coast, was invited back to OOMPAH’s mansion for tea and biscuits. I took a seat in the visitor’s lounge in the West Wing of OOMPAH Towers where I met MRS OOMPAH. She is lovely, GWAR and must fancy me because she offered me one of OOMPAH’s Tunnocks Caramel Wafers from the special biscuit tin. The fact that she spends half her life with her hand up cow’s bums probably accounts for the glazed look on OOMPAH’s face!

All that but not much training. Work seems to have overcome most of us the last 2 weeks but I am sure, like the horsemen of the apocalypse and Arnie, we’ll be back……………soon. Toodly bye.

HAIR TODAY, GONE TOMORROW

2009-05-13T13:35:00.005+01:00

In a previous life when my waist size was smaller than my age and I had more hair on my head than I did on my back I was a handsome man, no seriously I was....honest guv. However these days my vanity has vanished alongside my hair, I don't spend as much time in front of a mirror as I used to. Nonetheless I guess being an EVIL LEADER means that when one is not planning total world domination, then a love in with MR MIRROR is the order of the day: after all a well presented Dictator is a happy Dictator and EVIL LEADER must be ecstatic cos he has taken personal grooming to new heights. While this means he looks smoother than SLINKY McVELVET (Winner of the Outer Hebrides Very Smooth Contest - 1987) it invariably results in him being late for planned rides and less saddle time for us mere mortals. His tardiness has undoubtedly had side effects on my team colleagues. PRINCESS has adopted OOMPAH'S Eastern European Pikey look despite being told that tucking her tracksuit bottoms in her socks makes her look like a Docker on a bike. OOMPAH told me he had been "weeping". I initially thought that was cos he had seen PRINCESS'S fat face (hay fever allegedly) but was informed it was the smell of grooming product in EVIL LEADER'S hair. Now I know OOMPAH is a Solicitor and they never fib but in this case I believe him cos he lives with a burd who earns a living by interfering with farmyard animals. As for me, I'm just riding my bike like its stolen. Til Next time.

WEEK 3 - INSPECTOR GORSE

2009-05-04T12:23:00.005+01:00

It's a well known adage that when the KATs away the rodents come out to play and, dear readers, in the blogosphere, it's no different. No sooner did PRINCESS vanish into the sunset with BRIAN, the CHARISMA TWINS-NOT! revealed their true colours by sneaking off to a local forest for a "training ride". Now, because they had conveniently forgotten to invite me, I suspect it was more more of a "date" than a "training ride". However each to their own, and three's a crowd etc, but in this case, a third party would have been an independent witness to the nonsense which took place that fateful afternoon. I'll spare you the gory details but, all you need to know is that, both are covered in scratches and both tell different versions of the event.

Recently EVIL LEADER has been as evil as MOTHER THERESA handing out sweets in an orphanage. So, to restore his evil reputation, he claims he lured OOMPALOOMPAH into the forest and thrashed him. Apparently he completed the evil deed and tossed OOMPAS battered body into a gorse bush before riding off into the sunset. However OOMPA tells a different tale claiming the EVIL one rides his bike like a girl who has just had the stabilisers removed. Apparently during the ride the EVIL one crashed sending both into a gorse bush, hence the scrathes. Now OOMPA may be as boring as a Stamp Collectors Convention, but I believe him because he used to be a policeman before he was a solicitor and policemen never, ever, ever lie or fabricate evidence and solicitors always definitely tell the truth all the time forever and ever Amen. In recognition of this OOMPA is awarded the honourary title of INSPECTOR GORSE.

Anyway I discovered all this because the CHARISMA TWINS-NOT! pitched up at my house for a training ride covered in scratches. EVIL LEADER looked resplendent in Lycra while OMPALOOMPAH/INSPECTOR GORSE sported clothing which would be rejected by a Romanian Charity Shop. To top it off he was wearing a cycle helmet marked "POLICE". Then I realised how clever he is cos villains escaping from crime scenes would take one look at the outfit and pee themselves laughing to a standstill - result. Keeping a wary eye out for the fashion police we had a great and fast ride. All we need now is PRINCESS back from her menage a trois with BRIAN and SIMONG and we can all ride happily into the sunset. Til next week toodle pip.

WEEK 2 - PRINCESS LOVES BRIAN

2009-04-26T19:51:00.007+01:00

Hey ho blog buddies a week is like a lifetime in the world of bikes and mucho happened this past 7 days. Firstly IANYETTOBENAMED got a name and is now to be known as OOMPALOOMPAH because he is less of a lump than he used to be! (In joke sorry!). However he may have an exciting new name but he is still as boring as a busload of sleeping librarians. OOMPALOOMPAH has been hanging around with EVIL LEADER and together they are now known as the CHARISMA TWINS-NOT! Apart from another rubbish attempt to get the web password, it has been yet another non-evil week for EVIL LEADER who makes MARY POPPINS look right a very naughty schoolgirl. Take a note EVIL LEADER, the word EVIL should be a bit of a give away!

However this week's big news is that PRINCESS was almost single - or so I thought. PRINCESS told me she wanted to me to give the once over to BRIAN whom she intended to spend a lot of time with. Poor SIMONG, perhaps the big weekend in LUNDIN had gone wrong and I was to meet the next man in her life. Now, dear readers, perhaps you can help me out here because I am truly baffled. What is it about burds that they have to have to give names to inanimate objects? BRIAN, it transpired,is not some hunky lurve God but PRINCESSES new bike, and a very handsome bike he is too. But as handsome as he is, he is not a BRIAN, he is maybe a CEDRIC or a CECIL or more probably a CRISPIN or a QUENTIN. Anyway there may be more mileage in this tale cos PRINCESS is taking BRIAN to meet SIMONG- I hope it all doesn't end in tears.

TTFN.

WEEK 1 UPDATE

2009-04-17T20:14:00.002+01:00

Big News Dudes, MRS CAL left me this week - unfortunately she came back! However my quest for the next MRS CAL continues and this week I am now in love with my new best friend who works for the lovely, lovely, kind people at ACUMEN. Her name is CRUELLA DUVALL and she sits next to me at night class and tells me to STFU and never ever speak to her - ever, or she'll call the police. EVIL LEADER tells me not everyone gets a restraining order and that makes me special and I believe him cos he works in a castle. Anyway I think CRUELLA fancies me because she has arranged with the lovely people at ACUMEN to give TEAM BONES some cycling kit just to see me in lycra. That makes me love her even more, so much so, that the next time I take her a choccy bic in class I won't lick it all over first.

I know I am good at chatting up burds up cos PRINCESS saw me in action and said it was like watching her Dad flirt. Anyway PRINCESS says she is her Daddy's special little girl and I thought if I am special and she is special we could be special together but she told me she has a bf who is called SIMONG. I think SIMONG must be fat cos every time PRINCESS mentions his name she says PIELOT. Although no-one has ever ever has seen SIMONG, PRINCESS has gone to LUNDIN with him this weekend to see naked ladies dancing and that makes me feel sick in the mouth.

Anyway, IANYETTOBENAMED has not been well this week: he had an operation to surgically open his wallet and is expected to be fit to ride in 2 weeks. EVIL LEADER managed a couple of rides but cut one short claiming the wind ruined his hair. PRINCESS has done well but after 3 days of cycling tried to tempt me to lunch instead of training. As a result she got beasted but later took revenge by mocking my manly figure in bibshorts. Meanwhile I occupy the righteous high ground cos I've covered 102 miles in 4 days.

However before I dive headfirst into pie, on behalf of TEAM BONES I prostrate myself before the lovely people at ACUMEN in general and CRUELLA DUVALL in particular. Thank you so much for your sponsorship.

EVIL EXPED LEADER PLOTS TAKEOVER BID

2009-04-11T20:11:00.004+01:00

Shock, horror, and gasp as the EXPED LEADER revealed his true colours today. The EXPED LEADER (now known as the EVIL LEADER) demanded unlimited access to this webpage in order to plaster pics of his ugly mug across my lifetime's work. This evil plot started 3 days ago after he claimed to have MANFLU which turned into MANTHRAX thus leaving him unable to train - embarrassingly weak and entirely inappropriate for a LEADER, never mind an EVIL LEADER! However, this left him at home with nothing to do but lock himself into his mirrored emporium and gaze at his cheeky Northern chops. Of course 3 days of MANTHRAX combined with 72 hours staring in mirrors are more than enough to make a man delusional and hey presto, it duly did dear dudes. Unusually for an EVIL LEADER there were no threats of kidnapping my pussy or chopping MRS CAL into tiny bits - entirely inappropriate for an EVIL LEADER - but an e-mail containing the words "please" and "thank you". No EVIL LEADER I will not succumb to your evil demands, unless you have a "freaking layyyyysor"?

OTHER TEAM MEMBERS DEMAND PHOTO SHOOT

2009-04-07T20:49:00.001+01:00

Jealously struck earlier on this evening as news reached KAT and IAN of EXPED LEADER's photo shoot. The flames fuelling the green eyed monster raged as KAT stamped her feet and, not only insisted on her own photo, but demanded a special name and told me to "make it so". From now on she shall be known as PRINCESS because she is precious and Daddy's special little girl.

Not to be outdone IAN politely requested he be afforded the same privilege and, if it was not too much trouble, he would awfully very much, thank you please, and only if it was not too much trouble, perhaps, thank you please, have a picture too, thank you. Being such a nice fellow IAN did not demand, request, suggest or even hint that he wanted a new name - which was nice. So I have decided he can pick his own name - should be easy for a man so clever he should have 2 heads.

Anyway here's the first (and only) pic of PRINCESS and IANYETTOBENAMED. Right I'm off to kip until my name changes to CAL VAN WINKLE. Toodley Pip.

CHUNKSTER AKA EXPED LEADER POSES FOR PUBLICITY PHOTO

2009-04-07T20:20:00.001+01:00

Breaking news (as opposed to breaking wind) here at Blogger HQ. The EXPED LEADER has kindly agreed to pose for initial publicity shots as we launch the website.

Unusually the small-but-perfectly-formed-one had trimmed his sideburns and combed his curly locks for the special occasion.

However the day was sullied by persistent rumours that he had smuggled a Solictor onto to the team. Apparently EXPED LEADER believes this move will assist him as he stands accussed of NEVER, EVER, EVER replacing inner tubes he scrounges from his mates - allegedly!

TEAM BONES BIG BIKE ADVENTURE - THE START

2009-04-06T23:25:00.000+01:00

So what's occurring dudes? I'll tell you what's occurring and how it came to occur. Two years ago me and CHUNKSTER (as he was fondly known before insisting on being called EXPED LEADER) decided it would be tres amusing to cycle from John O Groats to Land's End, so we did and raised buckets of cash for a fab cause. Last year, before he insisted on USMORTALS worshiping his every word, he was busy salad dodging for Ingerlund and wimped out of my mammoth 500 miles plus French cycling adventure. So this year, as part of his plan to feel righteous and earn an OBE (Other Buggers Efforts) he suggested we ride from his work (Edinburgh Castle) to his Bosses work (London) so he could tell his Boss exactly how great he is. So that's what is occurring. Three of us will ride in front of the EXPED LEADER for 700 kms scattering rose petals and admiring his pert thighs until we arrive in London where the EXPED LEADER will kiss some serious butt. In between we will have a laugh and hope to raise some cash. In the meantime you can read about our progress, or lack of it, here. Toodle pip.

THE SECRET LIFE OF CAL

2009-04-05T21:40:00.000+01:00

Well dudes welcome to the Team Bones Big Bike Adventure. This is where my fellow brothers in iron discover my secret life and my addiction to lycra is made public - well more public than it is already. However before I start to wash my dirty spandex in public, let me thank you for taking the time to visit the page. Hopefully you leave it feeling inspired to donate a little bit of your hard earned mullah to one, or both (lol!) well deserving charities. I'm a blogging virgin so be gentle.
Cal